What Do Flashbacks, Tranquilizers, and Car Insurance Have In Common?

We thought our experiences driving the Alcan in our last post were going to be the worst.

We were sorely mistaken.

I want to preempt this post with a statement attesting to my good driving abilities. I have never been in an accident, I have never run anyone over, and I've only had two tickets. But for some reason, every bad experience we happened to have on this trip was when I was driving.

Also in my defense, I only drove at night, AND I was nervous and stressed because the boys made me take the lead on the worst stretch of road on the Alcan because they said my headlights were brighter than theirs. Then they proceeded to distract me from my driving by calling me several times on the walkie-talkie to tell me I was driving too slow, hurry up, blah blah blah. So I did the only thing I could to make them stop complaining. I drove into a ditch.

This was, mind you, AFTER I ran over what we speculate was either a giant snowball, a chicken, or a tiny sheep. Whatever it was, if it was alive before I came along, it definitely wasn't when I finished with it.

Back to the story at hand. We had just crossed the border into Alaska. It was about 3:00 am, and I was behind the wheel, with Jordan riding shotgun and Liz squished in the back. As we passed a gas station, Jordan suggested topping our tank off just in case. I tapped the brakes and turned, and low and behold! we were on black ice. Locked up brakes and a driver who knows nothing about driving on ice is not the best combo. But I was surprisingly calm as Jordan told me to let off the brakes. The car was sliding all over, but it looked like we would be okay. Until we went over the side of the 15 foot embankment.

I'm not sure what USUALLY goes through people's heads in those few fleeting seconds when they know something is out of control, and the outcome could be potentially REALLY bad, but here is what went through mine: Sara is going to kill me. I hope she has full coverage on her car. Are we going to flip? Is this a cliff? Am I screaming? Is my airbag going to break my nose? Where is my phone?

As we pummeled down through the snow, with my feet and arms in the air like a roller coaster ride, I registered a loud, deep-throated noise coming from the back seat, that formed into words and said, and I quote: "I'm having a flashback!!!" Yes, Liz thought she was having a flashback of her previous wreck in the midst of an entirely new wreck. What is the scientific term for that? Maybe anticipating-trauma-induced-post-traumatic stress?

The car stopped at the bottom of the only ditch on the Alcan with no rocks, trees, poles, or deep water in it. Within two seconds, I did the only logical thing I could think of. I grabbed my purse and my energy drink, jumped out of the car, and started running up the side of the ditch to tell Sara I was sorry for wrecking her car. Of course, being that she was following us, they had already pulled the car around behind us, so I looked like a crazy idiot grabbing my crap and running out into the Alaskan wilderness. By the time I realized this, it was impossible for me to sneak myself back into the driver's seat and pretend I hadn't moved.

Within 20 minutes, we had gotten the car out of the ditch, I was demoted to the passengers seat, and Liz was tranquilized in the back seat. Because you know what? We think on our feet.

Because I forgot to snap a picture of the ditch until AFTER the car was removed, I had my excellent graphic designer friend Sasha draw a replica of Sara's car into the picture I took, so you can see just how BIG the ditch really was. Enjoy!



As a side point, completely unrelated, I think I'll fly the next time I come to Alaska.

(Mis)Adventures Heading North!

We left Vancouver, B.C. around noon yesterday, and drove through Canada until about half an hour ago. Long push! It's a good thing we fueled up on cream puffs and maple machiattos before embarking.

One point of interest for us ladies was when our lives flashed before our eyes in the form of two deer hopping out less than 15 feet in front of us while we were speeding along at approximately 75 miles an hour (or should we be proper and say 120 kilometers an hour, eh?). The Mazda 3's brakes proved to function in full-form as Amber shoved her foot down hard. We locked up and skidded for about 30-40 feet, narrowly missing the deer, and inducing full-on adrenaline rushes for all three of us girls.

The car halted in one final lurch. Silence...save for our pounding hearts.

Then a click, and Jordan's voice over the walkie-talkie: "Uhhh, do you want us to take the lead?" A shaky "Yes, please," in response. The best part was when Amber looked down at her left hand, and there, piping hot, was a freshly purchased cup of Tim Horton's coffee, not missing a drip.

Driving through the night along Highway 29 was a bit treacherous. We must have seen thousands of deer. Also two wolves, a moose, a caribou, and what we think was some sort of badger. We were glad to see the sun come up as we hopped on to the Alcan. Well, we could have gone without seeing the bloated, belly-up moose (whose face looked alarmingly like Jay Leno, which was admittedly a little satisfying) on the side of the road.

It became a bit of a problem when we were trying to take turns driving, but all struggling to take naps in between. Sleep was not coming easily, and so, as an experiment, we decided to try a mild tranquilizer that Amber uses to fall asleep on Jordan. Amber takes a half a tablet a night, so judging by Jordan's size, we figured two tablets would be just about right. The result: A drooling, snoring, mumbling, delirious mammoth who was completely useless to us.

It was a bit scary when we thought we ripped the bottom of Sara's car clean off on a rock that couldn't be avoided. It made a ghastly clunk and flew out the back and into the air about 10 feet. We were not pleased at the prospect of traveling the rest of the Alcan Fred Flinstone-style, and so it was a pleasant surprise to see that the bottom of the car was, and is, still intact.

Several cups of coffee, chinese fire-drills, rounds of "Would you rather...?" via walkie talkie, and staggered naps later, we are here at the Northern Rockies Lodge, waiting for the sun to set, whereupon we will be plunging ourselves into the wonderfulness of the Liard Hot springs.

Life is good once again!

How Many Different Ways Can You Make Fun of Canadians?

That's right, we've crossed the border into Canada: the first leg of our journey. I've been surprised at how many people have been able to look at our cars and figure out we're going to Canada (check out Amber's post today). Yes, I really didn't figure it out until we reached Blaine.

Anyhow, here's what's gone down the last few:

1) I walked around panicked and in a daze. Because of this "issue", my Emily friend ended up packing for me. Thanks, Em!
2) I cried and reminisced. Not because I'm going to Alaska, but because I'm leaving behind all familiarity, my family, and because I realize that I'll eventually be saying goodbye to Amber.
3) I bit people's heads off. I've been very anxious and agitated. For those of you who have been victims of this, I love you and apologize.

I seriously contemplated burning the apartment complex down. Can you imagine how much more simple packing and moving would be if we just started new each time?

Our friends flew into Portland on Friday. They arrived at the ungodly hour of 5:30am. Fortunately, my insomnia has been in perfect form this week and so I was up packing. In fact, I hadn't quite gone to sleep. So, naturally, the first order of their vacation was to help me finish loading the moving truck, drive and hour, and unload the numerous boxes of kitchen paraphernalia and 4,000 books. No joke, there are actually more like 4,300 books. However, I believe we made up for it with wine tasting on Saturday. That is fabulous entertainment, by the way.

From there Anthony, Dad, and I packed and loaded the car, cleaned the apartment, and headed north to my final "going away" party. Thank you so much to Anthony and my Dad or else I'd have never ended to Mom's by 4:30pm on Sunday.

We got a late start this morning because it is the shortest of our journeying days, so we slept in, ate breakfast at our leisure, and took our time. I'm getting less anxious and more excited about the move.

I bet you're wondering why I titled my post the way I did. Well, I'm twittering and FB'ing our journey and found that many people have stereotypes about Canadians. I have to say I was impressed with how many people decided to put in their two cents of "cultural" comments regarding Canadians. I must say that the first Canadian we met today was a homeless pirate and screaming profanities at us. But not to worry, I've mostly only met Canadians that I'm quite fond of.

I'm quite surprised at how easy it was to say goodbye to Mom. I expected it to be more difficult. I decided it was easier because Mom has always supported anything I've thought to do. She's positive and encouraging and she believes in me. Knowing that has always made me stronger when I've felt helpless. I can imagine that the fact that I am able to just pick up the phone and chat with her anytime is a comfort.

Everything has been a whirlwind and I'm looking forward to the prospect of settling in. Saturday night Amber and I had a good cry. I think it'll happen again come the end of October, but crying makes us girls feel better and right now I'm feeling pretty good.

How To Make It Through The First Day of Moving Your Sister to Alaska

Thus far, it has been a splendid road trip for me. I have the privilege of being wedged into the back seat of my sister's car with, not one, not two, not even three, but FOUR giant pillows, several blankets, bags, boxes, boots, books and the list goes on. I cannot see what is happening in front of me, behind me, or to my left. Fortunately, my sister prefers the fast lane, so I am able to frequently gaze into strangers' cars as we pass.

Because of the many hours we will be driving, we decided to read aloud a book. I was elected as said narrator, and, as I am reading along, when I'm not pausing to push the piles of rubble that repeatedly fall onto my head or lap back to their original positions, I am bellowing the words at the top of my lungs because the ladies in the front complain that my voice is being muffled by the wall of blankets between us.

I have discovered that if I want to sleep, I only have to tilt my head a fraction of an inch to the left and I am stabilized, so that has been the main selling point I use when offering to trade spots with any of the other four roadmates. So far, no takers.

I have not complained even one time on this trip because, you know what? This isn't about me. This is about my wonderful dear sister, and I would never think of robbing her of any of the enjoyment and excitement she must be experiencing. I am just THAT self-sacrificing.

A point of interest to me--Sara believes that her aura exudes excitement about her move. She says, and I quote, "Everywhere we go, it's like people know exactly where I'm headed! Like it's meant to be!" I personally think people are picking up on this for another reason:


I'm excited because I'm making many bum friends along the way. My personal favorite screams loudly and has a pirate accent. A close runner up is the one who tried to sell me a gift card to a restaurant called Earl's because the jerks at two different locations wouldn't accept it from him, on account of him being dressed like a bum and all.

Looking forward to going back to my sardine can and doing it all over again tomorrow!

My Health Is Going to Fail

Alright, I've resigned myself to the fact that I can only take a pair of underwear and a toothbrush on this road trip; not even a regular toothbrush, but one of those ones that folds into the size of a tootsie roll. And forget about toothpaste. I'm alright with this. I'm planning on wearing 15 layers of clothing. Who cares if I look like I packed on 30 pounds around my gut overnight? Shoes will be an issue. It's hard to layer those. But really, plans are coming along pretty well.

Except one thing. Food. You see, when I travel, I carry pounds and pounds of nuts, fruit, granola bars, candy, jerky. Anything that I can eat without refrigerating or cooking. Because when it comes to food, APPARENTLY I'm not normal. Yes, APPARENTLY three meals a day should be enough. APPARENTLY some people can even eat in the morning, drive all day, SKIP lunch, and then eat a late dinner.

This doesn't fly with me. I transform into a complete beast if I don't have something to chew on besides gum at least every two hours.

I took the liberty of designing a simple chart to better explain what I mean.

The green line is what I imagine a normal person's blood sugar and hunger levels are throughout the day. The red line is me. Got it?

Unfortunately, I literally have been allotted only the space on my lap for my possessions on this trip. You're probably thinking, why not just stop and grab food? Here's the thing: APPARENTLY almost everything shuts down along the Alcan at the end of September.

So how the heck am I going to eat? I'm currently researching different kinds of shrunken foods, military grade packets that will sustain me throughout the day, and such. I think my best and most cost effective bet is going to be a portable feeding tube.

Any ideas on how to get a doctor's prescription for that?